This is a hard post to write. The vision I have for my writing is one that narrows in on both authenticity and the ability to relate to others. It’s been a struggle to carry out that vision while at the same time honoring the privacy of our family members and the respect for their stories. But something is telling me to hold onto my vision, even when it’s tough to balance because this is the place where lilies grow.
We leave on Thursday for our blended family vacation in Mexico, but Jake isn’t coming with us.
I’ve literally been backspacing and typing and backspacing and typing the rest of this for hours.
The teen years aren’t easy, and Jake’s go at it has been especially difficult. I trust that you guys are able to read between the lines without me having to go into details; it’s not my story to tell. Not now, not yet.
So, I run. I eat, I laugh, I go to Seattle and run a marathon. I text you funny quotes. I pack healthy lunches. I sleep. But I also cry so hard that I break blood vessels in my face. I feel pain, pain that no parent should ever feel. I throw up. I pinch the soft vulnerable patch of skin under my left breast through my clothes, under my crossed arms at the dinner table to postpone the tears for twenty more minutes while the throbbing vein on my forehead tells a different story.
But I will tell you the God-honest truth: I am so excited to go to Mexico with my family. I can’t wait to see their faces when we pull into our resort. I love my kids so very much and I am honored to be a part of this experience and I am so grateful to Andrew’s parents for giving it to us. While I carry Jake’s pain with me at both home and abroad, I will choose hope. I will choose love.
Do you have a hard time sharing personal struggles? How do you process pain while maintaining a healthy balance and a positive outlook?
Have you ever been to Mexico? Did you get diarrhea?