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A Place Where Lilies Grow

This is a hard post to write. The vision I have for my writing is one that narrows in on both authenticity and the ability to relate to others. It’s been a struggle to carry out that vision while at the same time honoring the privacy of our family members and the respect for their stories. But something is telling me to hold onto my vision, even when it’s tough to balance because this is the place where lilies grow.

We leave on Thursday for our blended family vacation in Mexico, but Jake isn’t coming with us.

I’ve literally been backspacing and typing and backspacing and typing the rest of this for hours.

The teen years aren’t easy, and Jake’s go at it has been especially difficult. I trust that you guys are able to read between the lines without me having to go into details; it’s not my story to tell. Not now, not yet.

So, I run. I eat, I laugh, I go to Seattle and run a marathon. I text you funny quotes. I pack healthy lunches. I sleep. But I also cry so hard that I break blood vessels in my face. I feel pain, pain that no parent should ever feel. I throw up. I pinch the soft vulnerable patch of skin under my left breast through my clothes, under my crossed arms at the dinner table to postpone the tears for twenty more minutes while the throbbing vein on my forehead tells a different story.

But I will tell you the God-honest truth: I am so excited to go to Mexico with my family. I can’t wait to see their faces when we pull into our resort. I love my kids so very much and I am honored to be a part of this experience and I am so grateful to Andrew’s parents for giving it to us. While I carry Jake’s pain with me at both home and abroad, I will choose hope. I will choose love.

I won’t be posting as much while we’re gone, but I will try my hardest. If you don’t already, then come follow me on Instagram and Facebook!!!

Do you have a hard time sharing personal struggles? How do you process pain while maintaining a healthy balance and a positive outlook?

Have you ever been to Mexico? Did you get diarrhea? 

{ 20 comments… add one }
  • Helly June 21, 2016, 7:52 pm

    I’m from Mexico, and yes, I’ve had diarrhea, lol.

    Love you my friend.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 22, 2016, 8:20 am

      You probably get diarrhea from all the north american food!!!

  • Tami June 21, 2016, 8:09 pm

    Yes I’ve been to Mexico… Quite a few times! I love it! No to diarrhea!! And a really big hug to you…. Just a little something to know you touch lives from afar, from just a short moment in time, and that I hope your heart feels it and that Jakes can feel it to… Teenage years are so so hard…. ?

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 22, 2016, 8:20 am

      Okay, that was so nice. Thank you Tami. My heart definitely feels it. <3

  • Sheila June 21, 2016, 8:37 pm

    Trust the journey and trust the positive influences on you family. Support comes in many different forms and we just need to understand how our loved ones feel supported and loved unconditionally. Teenagers must be faced with a whole new set of struggles and pressures and influences. I love your view on life and how you live…..you live honest, raw and hard. Hard meaning goals and true communication and your heart(or your tears or happiness or frustrations or poop regime) on your sleeve. Have a wonderful time in Mexico…love it all! I never did get the Big D from Mexico but I did get a super awesome parasite I called Hank that helped me get down to my goal weight after Mexico!!!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 22, 2016, 8:19 am

      I love that you named your parasite Hank. This is excellent news. 🙂

      Also, thank you for the kind and supportive comment. That really means a lot to me, Sheila.

  • Tracey June 21, 2016, 9:08 pm

    In Mazatlan, with Pam, we befriended a cabbie named Raphael. We had his cell phone number and he took us everywhere, including his home to meet his mother! One time we got in trouble because Raphael was drinking beer and needed to pee on the side of the road. The police came to give him shit. So he gave them some beer and we all drove away happy.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 22, 2016, 8:18 am

      You have a lot of cool Mexico memories!!!! I forgot that you went with Pam.

  • Meredith @ The Cookie ChRUNicles June 22, 2016, 3:16 am

    ugh, I understand. we feel crazy pain for our kids as moms. I can’t handle if my son gets upset. like I just cant. I am so tough and strong yet when it comes to him, as much as he drives me insane, if something upsets him, I am mess! have a great trip, I have not been to mexico but don’t drink the water! lol

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 22, 2016, 8:17 am

      It’s definitely the worst thing in the world. There is no greater pain than knowing our kids are in pain.

  • Susie @ SuzLyfe June 22, 2016, 4:04 am

    You know the answers to all the questions you asked, so I am just going to send you love (and protein powder).

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 22, 2016, 8:16 am

      I REALLY need to check the mail!!!!

  • Laura @ This Runner's Recipes June 22, 2016, 5:35 am

    Awwww, Suzy, hugs and love. I can’t imagine now how heartbreaking and arduous motherhood is.
    I’ve never been to Mexico. Enjoy your trip there! Remember: margaritas, not the tap water.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 22, 2016, 8:16 am

      I like the way you help me stay safe! TEQUILA!

  • Amy Lauren June 22, 2016, 6:37 am

    I hope you have a wonderful trip (what a great way to recover from a marathon). I have been to Mexico but it was on a cruise, and I didn’t get sick- thankfully! Just be careful what you eat and drink!

    So sorry about your teenage son not going on the trip and whatever it is he is going through. I remember how hard being a teen was and it’s truly NOT the best years of your life, whatever people tell kids. Hope you can relax and have fun.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 22, 2016, 8:16 am

      Yeah, teen years are so brutal. We just hold on and hope we make it through alive.

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets June 22, 2016, 7:04 am

    Sending you hugs and love. Yes, hang onto and embrace hope. Some days it’s all we have. Also, remember tomorrow is a new day.

    I’ve been to Mexico and I got the runs the last two days of the trip. Those were some powerful amoebas.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 22, 2016, 8:15 am

      Tomorrow IS a new day and sometimes that’s all the hope I need to get through today.

  • Una June 23, 2016, 9:40 pm

    Mexico: I’ve been twice to Cancun and no diarrhea! Which means that on my next visit, will probably be consumed by it and fall into the toilet, mid-BM, while Housekeeping enters with a team of new trainees.

    I don’t know how to share personal struggles which is why I’m so fucked from my childhood still. I’m still processing the pain, but I’m trying to remember to look for the stars on cloudy nights. They’re still there, in the darkness, even if they’re that much harder to find.

    As for Jake… I’m glad that you’re able to help carry his pain. You’re dialed in, and that’s huge. Being a teenager sucks so much, and to have an extra added burden to that, well… there’s something comforting to know that your Mom is aware. It’ll help in the here and now and it’ll help in the long run.

    Enjoy Mexico!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 3, 2016, 10:09 pm

      Hey Una, I’m really sorry your comment didn’t go through until now; I didn’t have wifi that whole trip (OMG THE HORROR) and I’m bummed that your words got so much lag time. Sharing personal stuff is VERY HARD. Mostly for the actual getting the guts to say it, but also for the making sure that the people we share it with are the right ones. Don’t cast your pearls before swine, or something like that. As in, don’t fall into the toilet in front of a bunch of new housekeeping trainees, unless they’re going to be the type of people who will video it, upload it onto YouTube and then give you 80% of the profits.

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