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All In, Balls (and Boobies) Out

It’s super hard going through a divorce, blending families, adding in a new baby and a fresh marriage, and all the hordes of other things that come along with such life decisions. What I really mean is, there’s a lot of material to fight about work through and Andrew and I aren’t exactly…easy-going. And not only that, but we have a crazy huge intense madly in-love connection that is out of this world, so when we love? We LOVE. But when we fight, we FIGHT.

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Except here is where our personalities clash: I hate conflict. I stuff it and stuff it and grit my teeth and smile my big horsey smile and laugh my big obnoxious laugh and then hope peace prevails. But when it doesn’t, and I’m filled to the brim with unresolved issues, then I become unglued. While Andrew, the king shit-disturber himself, is drawn to a good fight like a fat kid on cake.

This is a real photo of our late cat named Steps holding an air soft gun. Weird, I know.

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So on Saturday, we literally fought about nothing, but it ended up being super destructive. How is that possible? Like this:

I felt hurt. I hate arguing, so I withdrew. Andrew saw me withdraw and then felt rejected so he poked the bear a bit. I felt more hurt, so I withdrew more. He poked the bear harder. I blew up. He blew up. And once again, we talked about ending the whole thing (remember the time I flushed my ring?) because we let fear govern our hearts that day and you know what I always say, right?

The opposite of love is fear, not hate.

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I crawled into bed and tossed and turned until finally at around 4am I nudged Andrew to talk. Talk, not stuff. Talk with love, not fear. And after wasting an entire day of irrational energy, we fixed up our issues in less than twenty minutes, and then spent the rest of the morning snuggling, having sex, and administering medication to our fevering child.

But holy fucking shit relationships are hard. And I write because I want to connect with you guys, and because fake is a waste of time, so I tell the truth, even if it’s awkward.

We laugh so hard together that I can feel barf burbling up my esophagus. We make love like animals, like poetry, like the sun against the moon on the blackest of nights. But life is not pretty. It’s just not. But at the end of each day (well, 6 out of 7, which is pretty decent odds these days) we both acknowledge that there is nobody else we’d rather share the good times and the bad with. The rings and the sewage. The poetry and the swearing.

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{ 30 comments… add one }
  • Una September 8, 2016, 11:05 am

    I ❤ your honesty and how candid you are.

    Relationships are so hard. I struggle with handling my own emotional baggage, and I can’t even imagine what it’s like to bring in exes, blended families, and a new baby.

    Brad wrote something in a card for our anniversary: “Things are not always easy, but the things worth having never are. I love you so so much and I am so honoured to be on this journey with you!”

    Me, being the shitty wife that I am, forgot to get him a card. Sigh.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 8, 2016, 12:25 pm

      I love what Brad wrote. It’s so true. I’ll nauseate everyone by saying this but the workouts/runs that hurt the most make us faster and stronger. If it comes easy, then it’s probably not love. Happy Anniversary! Blow jobs are better than cards anyway.

  • Nikki September 8, 2016, 11:25 am

    Omg your fights sound similar to ours. Phil is SUCH a confrontational person, and I am NOT. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good fight, but I’m a terrible fighter and it pisses me off, so our fights get BAD. Very mean and hurtful. He used to threaten the D word in EVERY fight and that made me madder!
    We are still a hot mess, but fighting has improved. Haha

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 8, 2016, 12:23 pm

      I relate to a lot of your life and so I’m not surprised that we’d relate to each other in this aspect as well. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Nikki! I’d feel so alone.

  • Meredith @ The Cookie ChRUNicles September 8, 2016, 11:36 am

    I was talking to a friend this morning who is considering divorce. it’s a constant conversation that I hve with her for years. and it’s like, it’s never easy! no one is ever happy all of the time that is divorce really the answer? sometimes it is for sure but sometimes, it’s just about learning nothing is perfect and people will argue. does my comment have anything to do with your post? I don’t even know but I felt like telling you since it’s sort on topic. I think lol. thank you for sharing your story. it’s not easy to put it out there but I appreciate honest posts. I am glad you guys made up! that’s the fun part

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 8, 2016, 12:23 pm

      I think once we’ve been through one divorce, then a lot of our faith in the longevity of marriage dwindles down to often nothing. Most people fight, but without that underlying feeling of impending doom whereas divorced people kinda flush it right off the bat because dealing with the whole shebang is just like… way too overwhelming to do all over again.

  • Ange // Cowgirl Runs September 8, 2016, 1:03 pm

    And you’ve just described the fight cycle from my (former) marriage. I was the poker and he’d withdraw and BOOM.

    Thank you so much for sharing your struggles. You’re pretty amazing.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 8, 2016, 1:56 pm

      Well, I think we both do our fair share of poking and withdrawing. For sure. It’s both wrong, and it ends poorly.

  • Megan @ Meg Go Run September 8, 2016, 1:14 pm

    I am not confrontational but I do like to address things right when they are bothering me so it doesn’t turn into a bigger thing. Paul is the opposite. He let’s things go and then when I bring something up he’s like we’ll you do this and I’m like we’ll you never told me that was a problem! We rarely yell at each other… but we can get Annoyed and snippy!!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 8, 2016, 1:55 pm

      I used to like to address things right when they bother me but I noticed that sometimes it’s just not worth it because it turns into a fight that I don’t have energy for.

  • Gretchen September 8, 2016, 7:06 pm

    You and Andrew are the cutest. Just the most perfect couple ever. Love you guys.

    I’m just like you and I dont like conflict. I don’t like to talk things out and I’m much better if I just get some alone time to process things myself and get over it. If someone tries to talk to me right in the heat of the moment, things gonna get UGLY.

    Can I confess something? Sometimes I’m worried that Dan and I are doing things wrong, because everyone says relationships are hard work and marriage is work, but it’s always felt so easy for us. Like literally the easiest thing I’ve gone through in my life..never any second guessing or trying to figure stuff out. And sometimes that scares me because anything that comes this easy has to be wrong or not real, right? It cant really be this good…

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 8, 2016, 7:09 pm

      Well, I think that every marriage struggles with something and if it’s not internal then it’s something external. Like, Andrew’s parents are the best team ever, and their big adversity was coming over from Northern Ireland together. A huge scary risk with no family around, no money, just the two of them. So yeah I mean, nobody gets a free card, and the fact that you and Dan are golden makes it easier to deal with anything else that might come your way. Be thankful. 🙂 And yes, it really can be that good. xo

      • San September 9, 2016, 8:55 am

        May I chime in here? I was in a 10-year relationship before I met my J and that old relationship was exactly like yours, Gretchen. No confrontations, no fights in 10 years. I thought there must be something wrong, but nope, it was just that we were really compatible. What broke that relationship’s neck, I think, was that we were too young…. so just be thankful that you’re in a relationship with such a compatible person!

        • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 9, 2016, 1:50 pm

          Yeah, same! Jason and I never fought either! But we were just too young too.

  • Allie September 9, 2016, 3:13 am

    Yep. All of this. Every bit. I’m the “stuffer” and “filled with resentment” and when my husband pokes the bear it gets super ugly. But then it gets super intense and loving. I always say my husband and I are like the beginning of that Maroon 5 song “we go hard at each other like we’re going to war!” that’s us.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 9, 2016, 7:31 am

      We sound verrrrrrry similar.

  • Susie @ SuzLyfe September 9, 2016, 3:50 am

    I think the majority of the negativity that is out there in the world, whether between people or directed back at ourselves, stems from fear. Fear, in my mind, creates hate.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 9, 2016, 7:30 am

      Fear-based anything never ends well.

  • Laura @ This Runner's Recipes September 9, 2016, 5:37 am

    I hate confrontation also. I avoid it and I’m a negotiating type who tries to prevent it and quickly get out of it. Ryan and I never have big fights. We’ll have little disagreements, but overall marriage has been easy for us.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 9, 2016, 7:30 am

      I’m glad. 🙂

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets September 9, 2016, 6:22 am

    I love your honesty.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 9, 2016, 7:29 am

      Hey, thank you for the support you’ve given me, Meghan! xo

  • Brittney September 9, 2016, 6:41 am

    I truly appreciate your honesty. Marriage is so tough, yet so many people make it look so easy. This post made me realize that I’m not the only one who wants to throw in the towel sometimes, but could be laughing and having the time of my life ten minutes later. I guess that’s what happens when you love hard!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 9, 2016, 7:32 am

      I’m glad I helped you to remember that you’re not alone and it’s normal to feel these things sometimes!

  • San September 9, 2016, 8:57 am

    I love that you’re so honest and open about your relationship. It’s true – most relationships take work and there are hard times.
    I definitely like to talk things out, but J is a very confrontational, impulsive fighter, so I often feel I can’t win… so I pick my battles carefully and approach things with a lot of “diplomacy”.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 9, 2016, 1:50 pm

      Ahhhh in other words, you walk on eggshells. Heh heh… ruh roh. I know that feeling.

  • Ana September 9, 2016, 9:12 am

    Some people (me), don’t know how to deal with partners when they are angry and won’t say why… I do this to my fiancé, I poke and poke until he yells what is bothering him, then I get mad he yelled.

    I love this honest look at other relationships, thank you for sharing!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 9, 2016, 1:52 pm

      This reminds me of the image of the baby bird. Love asks us to let go, rather than squeeze the baby bird. We want it close by, so we think if we squeeze it close then it will stay, which it will of course, but we’d do some damage. But if we let go, then often the baby bird flies right back to us on its own accord.

      Geez, I’m annoying myself. If the baby bird keeps flying, then for sure, pull out the rifle.

  • molly rose September 29, 2016, 4:55 am

    so hi, I just discovered your blog (via comment from HRG– what a way to find a running partner), and you’ve got a strong new follower! love your writing style and open honesty about what seems like literally anything. Nice to meet ya! love the “second time around” photo…. I hope to take that photo one day 🙂

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com September 29, 2016, 6:35 am

      Hi Molly!!! Aww, thanks for the kind words. That means a lot to me. And yeah, the second time around photo is a great one, eh? I’d love to hear your story!!!!

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