If you missed the previous posts, click on my Anxiety Page for the links.
Once I had been on antidepressants for a while, I felt like I could really feel the energy of my truest self flowing through my actions without having to first pass through the sieve of anxiety. Having anxiety is like standing beside a cock-blocker at a bar; you want to go out and have some fun but a really mean ugly girl keeps clinging onto you, making the both of you completely unapproachable.
Oh, wow. I should be a doctor.
Anyway, the medication was golden. Bottom line. But… the side effects were a bit shady. Where it normally took me three and a half minutes to have an orgasm, it took me a week and a half to have one on medication. All of my senses were dulled and anyone out there on SSRIs know exactly what I’m talking about. I remember sitting in my doctor’s office and telling him that the whole world could be dying around me and I’d just be like, “Oh well!” And it’s not like I was taking too many milligrams, as it took me many months to find the right dose to give me relief. These were just the side effects. Side effects that were totally worth it, because the pros outweighed the cons, a zillion to one.
I also gained a bit of weight, but I have to say that I loved it. I loved my big boobies and my squishy belly. I felt like a woman! There was no greater joy than holding my two boys on my lap while I read them a book. I was soft for their little bodies. I was mommy, and my body was perfect.
We got pregnant again, and then lost that baby. Then pregnant again, and Katie was born in 2005. The boys started school, we moved out to Abbotsford, and in about 2008 Jason and I decided that we needed to see a counselor for our marriage.
Once we started counseling it became very apparent that I needed therapy for my own shit and so while I started digging deep and working on my life, my anxiety started to alleviate. Over the course of the next two years I went down on the Paxil and up on the cognitive behavioural therapy. By the year 2010, I was no longer taking medication all the while going through the toughest time of my life.
Support from my counselor, family and friends, long-distance running, and also the new skills I had acquired in coping with irrational thought patterns got me through that phase of my life and made my once fragile mind much stronger.
Feel free to keep telling me your stories either in comments or in emails or in your own blog posts!
Has anyone tried cognitive behavioural therapy?
Were you or any of your close friends a cock-blocker at the bar?