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Coming Up

You guys. For real. I miss writing so much. In fact, I feel like I lost a bit of myself when I stopped. For so long I really assumed that it was running I couldn’t live without but now? I’m not so sure. Running gets out my physical angst but it’s here, the keys, the screen, my head tilted to the right, my brow furrowed, the latest Sam Smith song pulsing through my earbuds on repeat, a candle or incense burning beside me, a bleeding mug of wine, my fingers knocking on the door of my heart, extending outward, beckoning, and pushing, keeping the balance.

I had the chance to sit down and write now, because Jesse was fussy all day and finally settled in for a long nap, and Callum caught the latest virus and has been quarantined to the couch. I had my 6-week postpartum OBGYN apt today (at 7 weeks postpartum, no less) and I thought I’d celebrate this rainy day with a 3pm glass of wine, because silence like this never happens.

No, it never happens.

I was taught to never use the terms “never” or “always” but I’m swearing to you right now that silence never fucking happens. There. I made a new rule. I can only use the terms “never” or “always” if I tag it with “fucking.”

Truth. Preach it, Suzy. Preach.

I have so much in my brain. I have so much to write that it feels disabling. Does that ever happen to you? So, maybe this post is just a foot in the door. I’m cracking it open, having a boo, taking a whiff of the fresh air and then stepping back inside for a bit. But I’ll come back. I have to. I’m bleeding out and it’s gotta go somewhere.

What have you sworn you’d “never” do, and you did? Or didn’t? Or haven’t yet?


{ 25 comments… add one }
  • Jen October 16, 2017, 4:05 pm

    I said in high school I would never marry a farmer. So close.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 16, 2017, 4:24 pm

      You’re taunting me with that damn Saskatoon berry pie again, I can tell.

  • San October 16, 2017, 4:12 pm

    I hope you find pockets of time to write. I don’t have kids, but I know what it feels like when you don’t have time to do the things that you feel like NEED to be done. How much harder must it be with kids around, the 24/7 job of a mom?

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 16, 2017, 4:24 pm

      I dunno. It’s all relative. My life is no busier because we all fill our time with things that need to be done, right? And one person’s to-do list is no more important than the next person’s. A lot of people think writing and running is totally lame (I don’t blame them; it sounds completely dull) but I love it.

  • Lisa @ Mile by Mile October 16, 2017, 4:13 pm

    When I was in high school I said I would never run a marathon. Clearly that didnt work out! And when Rob and I started dating he swore I would never get him to run, and now he chooses to run marathons.
    Anyway, I miss your writing and am glad you found a few minutes to check in!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 16, 2017, 4:21 pm

      I love that I asked this question because I love the answers! I wondered if maybe Rob’s running would bug you, because you had been sidelined and then here he was, training for a marathon. I would have left Andrew bleeding in a ditch.

      • Lisa @ Mile by Mile October 17, 2017, 2:07 am

        I feel like his approach is so different that it really doesn’t bother me. He does it because he knows he needs to run in order to race, but every day is a serious struggle to get out the door!

        • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 17, 2017, 6:07 pm

          Okay, then it doesn’t bother me either but if he ever pisses you off, you let me know and I’ll teach him a lesson. Jk, I won’t.

  • Wendy@Taking the Long Way Home October 16, 2017, 6:03 pm

    I’ve said never to a lot of things and I’ve probably done them all. I’ll never learn…

    Glad to see you back!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 17, 2017, 6:08 pm

      You’re just a rebel like me!

  • Aimie C October 16, 2017, 8:48 pm

    I am “that” person that said my kid would eat healthy food, no junk, never drink juice, etc, blah blah….none of that is happening currently with my almost 2 and almost 4 year old. None of it. Mac and cheese and hot dogs on tap. (I grew up on that shit and look ho awesome I turned it, right?) never say never. I am learning that loud and clear now that I am a parent.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 17, 2017, 6:08 pm

      Welcome to the dark side, where Coronas and Doritos flow. XO

  • Allie Capo-Burdick October 17, 2017, 3:09 am

    I get super cranky and jumble-headed (yes, that’s a thing) when I don’t have an opportunity to write. So glad you had the chance to let some of it out on a perfect rainy, quiet day in the middle of your stormy life right now. This post was a little bright spot in my super early morning. Miss you xo

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 17, 2017, 6:06 pm

      Jumble-headed! You nailed it! I’m kinnnnnnnnda wondering if this is why my anxiety is kinda bad?!?! Because it got worse once I stopped writing!!!

  • Gretchen October 17, 2017, 8:25 am

    No lie- on Saturday Dan and I were having a conversation and he said that we should make a new rule to never say “always” or “never”. (of course i had to be a smartass and say “you just said never!”) I throw out that word a lot…like “you never put away dishes”, “you always blame stuff on me” and it’s not true and ends up starting fights for no reason. Luckily he brought this up when we were both in good moods and not in the middle of an argument. He’s ALWAYS the best 🙂

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 17, 2017, 6:06 pm

      Dan is a smart guy for such a young buck! I still like throwing out nevers and always–we look cute when we say it with a pout.

  • Laura October 17, 2017, 10:28 am

    There was a moment in college that I remember vividly. A day a professor changed how I thought about things- and got through to me in ways he probably didn’t intend. He talked about never and always. It was a drugs and behavior class, and we were talking about stereotypes and he ripped into a classmate for using X always does this. Professor went on a 20 minute diatribe about using never and always. I’m USUALLY (see, not always) super good about being cognizant of using those words because in life, running, whatever there is no universal rule or truth. In reality, never and always don’t exist. ANYWAYS- my random tangent of the day.

    Write, because you want to, when you can-and because YOU are great at it.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 17, 2017, 6:04 pm

      I love your random tangents and yes, your prof was spot on! I was taught not to use never and always about ten years ago, and it’s proved true ever since.

  • Ana October 17, 2017, 11:31 am

    I get the missing the writing! Especially with how wonderful you put words together. I sometimes sit down and just write out my word vomit, and that alone feels soo good!

    I used to say that I would never get divorced! maybe I should start saying that I will never become a billionaire.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 17, 2017, 6:03 pm

      I read this comment on my phone earlier today and laughed out loud while I was trying to get Jesse to sleep!

  • Laura @ This Runner's Recipes October 17, 2017, 3:06 pm

    Writing is like running: maybe not essential for actually sustaining life, but essential for functioning. I totally understand what you mean. I need to write – it’s a way of sifting through and analyzing thoughts and feelings. It’s cathartic.
    It’s so good to hear from you (read from you) and I hope you find more space to write soon!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 17, 2017, 6:03 pm

      YOU have a brilliant way with words. It would be a crime if you ever stopped writing.

  • Susie @ Suzlyfe October 18, 2017, 8:43 am

    I said I would never run or want to run a marathon. Boom.
    Looks like I’m at the end of those days, unfortunately, but I guess I should never say never. But I think for Alex’s and Yoshi’s sakes, I need to hang up my marathoning shoes.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com October 19, 2017, 2:16 pm

      You can still run marathons once you have a baby, silly!

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets October 18, 2017, 10:50 am

    I’d like to write some witty comment but I’m too mentally fatigued for no other reason than I’m a mom. Suffice to say, I love you and I can’t wait for you to break down that door and let it all pour out.

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