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Dear Brain, From Anxiety

Dear Brain,

Do you feel chill right now? Yes? How nice. I’ve got this suitcase of impending doom weighing heavy on my shoulder and I could really use some help. Do you think you could just take a corner for me? Ahhhh, thank you. Much better. Do you feel okay? You look a little pale. Are you coming down with something? I heard there’s a new virus going around that has already killed a bunch of people. The virus is most easily contracted by touching the toppling towers of plastic lids at coffee shops. Oh, oops! You just went there this morning for your coffee, didn’t you? I’m sure you’re fine. I think. Unless you don’t feel that well right now? Then I’d probably make an appointment with your doctor. You know, just in case.

I get that you’re too busy for a doctor’s appointment, but this is life and death. I’m sure your kids won’t mind you missing their sports activities for a day or two. It’s better than losing you completely and forever. They see you all the time at their games, right? Oh, they don’t? You can’t be in all six places at once, I understand. Well then, what’s one more day? They’re probably used to looking up at the sidelines and not seeing you there. Plus they’ve got some really good friends that will support them. Only one or two of them do drugs. I’m sure your kids won’t touch the stuff.

You know what you should be doing right now, you know, to ward off this virus? You need to get a good night’s sleep. I’ve heard that listening to soft music can really help with relaxation. Oh, does this song bring you back to something emotionally traumatic? I had no idea! I’m terribly sorry. Let’s try to forget those moments, okay? Even if it turned your entire life inside out and made you completely lose your shit, there is no point in ruminating on any of it. The only way you’re going to fight off this deadly virus or forget any of your shitty life is if you get some sleep. Don’t panic or anything, it’s only 10pm. Oh, it’s 2am? Oops.

If you get the virus and die then your kids won’t feel neglected when you don’t show up to their extracurricular activities, because you can’t really help that you’re dead. I’m sure they will find ways to cope with the pain of the loss. They can always use some of the money you’ve put aside for them. You haven’t done that yet? Oh, no worries. Money isn’t everything.

Just relax. Everything will be fine. Stop worrying so much! Have you tried meditation? Or essential oils? Do everything you possibly can do to make sure you get some sleep. And stay away from door handles and anyone who exhales in public places. If you do that, then you should be okay. I’m pretty sure.

Always near,

Anxiety

{ 22 comments… add one }
  • Jen April 22, 2015, 9:08 pm

    100% accurate.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 22, 2015, 9:56 pm

      Unfortunately, yes. I think I want to write more of these “dear brain” posts. Like, “Dear Brain, From Cat” or “Dear Brain, From Bathroom Door Handles.”

  • Steve April 23, 2015, 4:04 am

    I touch all of the door handles I can so that I build up immunity…soon I will be invincible.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 23, 2015, 6:26 am

      If you REALLY want to build up your immunity, lick your fingers after you pump gas. I heard that gas nozzle handles have like, dead people guts on them.

      • Steve April 23, 2015, 6:41 am

        hahahaha…I taste dead people.

        • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 23, 2015, 7:53 am

          Tasty.

      • Maddie @ Dixie Runs April 23, 2015, 10:47 am

        I’m terrified of gas pumps. I want to wear latex gloves but I’m afraid people will stare. I punch the little numbers on the key pad with my knuckles. ughhhhh

        • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 23, 2015, 2:36 pm

          I punch elevator buttons with my elbows.

      • Corry April 23, 2015, 2:00 pm

        I stupidly ate some gas store licorice after pumping my gas and not washing my hands. That night, I woke up sooo sick to my stomach that I passed out while sitting on the toilet and threw up all over my self. Was laid up for 2 days. Yeah, there’s definitely something funky on those gas nozzles!

        • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 23, 2015, 2:34 pm

          Okay, NOW I AM FREAKING OUT. I was kinda neurotic about gas nozzle handles and now I just slipped into the insanity category.

  • Jen April 23, 2015, 6:13 am

    I was just nodding my head the whole way through. It’s like you’re in MY brain lol.

    • Steve April 23, 2015, 6:19 am

      don’t let her into your head…do you know how many door handles she has touched?

      • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 23, 2015, 6:27 am

        And, I pump my own gas.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 23, 2015, 6:27 am

      Well, it’s okay if I’m in your brain but if you ever get caught in mine, you’ll need a day pass or two…hundred.

  • Ellen @ My Uncommon Everyday April 23, 2015, 11:36 am

    Whoa. Scary how much I relate, but glad I’m not the only one? Thanks for understanding 😀

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 23, 2015, 2:36 pm

      Ahh… sometimes the only thing that gets us through the impossible is knowing there’s someone else out there going through the same thing.

  • Susie @ SuzLyfe April 23, 2015, 12:20 pm

    Anxiety needs a good old fashioned bitch slap IMHO

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 23, 2015, 2:35 pm

      Let’s do it and then spit just to make it count.

  • Danielle April 23, 2015, 1:55 pm

    Yup spot on. I remember there was a time when I was embarking on a crazy adventure a lady next to me said oh my lord I hope I get hit by a fucking truck so I can back out. And I agreed. You know something is outta whack if being hit by a moving vehicle sounds like a way out… There are scary corners of my friggin mind.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 23, 2015, 2:35 pm

      I hear ya. And getting hit by vehicles at the end of a super long run can even sound tempting from time to time.

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets April 26, 2015, 11:19 am

    You know there’s meds for that. 😉

    Booze sometimes works too.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 26, 2015, 11:44 am

      Yep. I was on such meds for about 7 years and I have no problem going back on them if the need arises. Medication gives much-needed relief if anxiety gets to the point where it is taking up way too much brain space. And booze works, yes… but I can’t eat or drink when I’m anxious. I’m a drink-and-be-merry person. Thank goodness, because alcoholism runs in my family and I need to be very self-aware so that I know if I am self-medicating with alcohol or not.

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