Do you feel chill right now? Yes? How nice. I’ve got this suitcase of impending doom weighing heavy on my shoulder and I could really use some help. Do you think you could just take a corner for me? Ahhhh, thank you. Much better. Do you feel okay? You look a little pale. Are you coming down with something? I heard there’s a new virus going around that has already killed a bunch of people. The virus is most easily contracted by touching the toppling towers of plastic lids at coffee shops. Oh, oops! You just went there this morning for your coffee, didn’t you? I’m sure you’re fine. I think. Unless you don’t feel that well right now? Then I’d probably make an appointment with your doctor. You know, just in case.
I get that you’re too busy for a doctor’s appointment, but this is life and death. I’m sure your kids won’t mind you missing their sports activities for a day or two. It’s better than losing you completely and forever. They see you all the time at their games, right? Oh, they don’t? You can’t be in all six places at once, I understand. Well then, what’s one more day? They’re probably used to looking up at the sidelines and not seeing you there. Plus they’ve got some really good friends that will support them. Only one or two of them do drugs. I’m sure your kids won’t touch the stuff.
You know what you should be doing right now, you know, to ward off this virus? You need to get a good night’s sleep. I’ve heard that listening to soft music can really help with relaxation. Oh, does this song bring you back to something emotionally traumatic? I had no idea! I’m terribly sorry. Let’s try to forget those moments, okay? Even if it turned your entire life inside out and made you completely lose your shit, there is no point in ruminating on any of it. The only way you’re going to fight off this deadly virus or forget any of your shitty life is if you get some sleep. Don’t panic or anything, it’s only 10pm. Oh, it’s 2am? Oops.
If you get the virus and die then your kids won’t feel neglected when you don’t show up to their extracurricular activities, because you can’t really help that you’re dead. I’m sure they will find ways to cope with the pain of the loss. They can always use some of the money you’ve put aside for them. You haven’t done that yet? Oh, no worries. Money isn’t everything.
Just relax. Everything will be fine. Stop worrying so much! Have you tried meditation? Or essential oils? Do everything you possibly can do to make sure you get some sleep. And stay away from door handles and anyone who exhales in public places. If you do that, then you should be okay. I’m pretty sure.