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Dear Brain, From Facebook

Dear Brain,

You haven’t logged in since 4:47 and it’s now 4:52 and OMG WHAT HAVE YOU MISSED. Okay, okay okay okay so Bob messaged you about farts and you haven’t messaged him back yet. But you’ll do it in a sec, right after you check to see if anyone’s “liked” your latest post. Oh good, Terri shared it and a couple people liked it. You’re not a complete failure, or as much as you were yesterday.

Head over to Messenger for a second and click on the link that Bob sent you about farts and mint scented underwear and then message your mom “I’m sorry I haven’t called but it’s been crazy over here this week” and then hop back to your feed to zoom in on Jessica’s new pregnant belly to see if she’s showing before you were when you were 16 weeks. Decide that you looked about the same but your bum was probably a bit bigger.

Let my Elephant journal link take you to an article on sex positions that makes you forget whatever you were doing (you were cooking, and now all the food is burning and Callum is crying and hanging onto your leg but it doesn’t matter because all of a sudden you’re reading an article on sex positions). Shit. Your mom just messaged you back but now you smell the food burning so please put the phone down to flip the burgers but make it quick, okay? You might miss some suuuuper important stuff here.

Your mom can see that you read her message because it says “read at 4:49” and now you’re riddled with guilt that you aren’t responding. But c’mon, you’re doing honourable things like making dinner for your family and figuring out new sex positions which will ultimately make you happy and she wants you to be happy, right? Which means you should probably keep scrolling through the feed to find more exciting things.


But oh no!!! It’s now 5:09 and you have to be out the door in 10 seconds but at least you got to laugh at a video about farts and mint underwear (which is totally hilarious, by the way, and much appreciated so please Bob, send Suzy fart videos anytime!) and find out about new sex positions and compare your previously pregnant body to some other random pregnant person’s body which is all super important and not a waste of time whatsoever said nobody ever.

Love at all times of the day and night,


{ 13 comments… add one }
  • Susie @ SuzLyfe April 30, 2015, 4:35 am

    I refuse to put messenger on my phone. It is my way of standing up to FB (baby first pump)

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 30, 2015, 7:24 am

      I used to not have it on my phone either but then I gave in.

  • Steve April 30, 2015, 6:38 am

    And this why I quit DM…and FB…and soon Twitter…maybe.
    It is cool to be linked into what is going on with the world and with people thousands of miles away but it is also so demanding. Now that we have iPhones and whatnot we really have no excuse not to know about Bob’s minty fresh underwear any more. Facebook and the like are that needy significant other that suffocated you when you were twenty. Then you swore to yourself never again would you get involved with someone who needed your affirmation and validation 24/7. But then FB came along offering all the best in E news and what cup of coffee Sarah is on so far today. FB is that sweet temptress that can never do wrong…until someone notices that you haven’t responded to their latest message and then you realize that it is actually your girlfriend from 25 years ago. Don’t call me Facebook, I’ll call you….or I’ll get drunk and miss finding out what random people are doing at 1 AM and join again.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 30, 2015, 7:29 am

      Great analogy!!! I mean, there are sorts of good things about Facebook, and it would take too long to list them here but just like anything else: food, alcohol, sex, we need to use it in moderation. I think if we’re honest with ourselves, because we are human we will have a hard time finding balance and utilizing self control. The only way we can learn how though, is to practice. But getting drunk at 1am and joining works too. 😉

  • Maddie @ Dixie Runs April 30, 2015, 8:29 am

    I think you should have your own reality TV show

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com April 30, 2015, 12:00 pm

      Oh, me too. We’ve been told that so many times by so many people. The problem is that our lives are so bizarre that the people watching would think it’s fake. They’d be like, “oh, this is too unbelievable…turn it off.” Sigh…

  • Miss Polkadot May 1, 2015, 2:03 am

    Dear Facebook, that’s why I’ve put our relationship on the back burner a while ago. You’re a demanding black hole for any time I could have used more productively.
    Seriously, Suzy, you totally nailed it here. Whyyy do we feel like missing out on 2467655758 things if we take even the shortest break from social media? It’s insane. I’m about to unplug for the largest part of the weekend so here’s to seeing how much I’ll really miss.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 1, 2015, 6:58 am

      Great idea!!! I discipline myself (oooh, sounds hot!) and put down my phone so that I can keep my head up and take in my surroundings and I just *feel* more full when I do this. It’s like the difference between guzzling a can of coke and drinking a green smoothie. Let me know how the unplugged weekend goes!

  • J@n May 1, 2015, 2:35 pm

    This is one of the reasons I left. And in case you didn’t see the write-up (which would surprise me, because I probably posted it everywhere EXCEPT on Facebook), it’s here: http://whowritesthisshit.blogspot.fr/2015/03/unlike.html.

  • kristen May 2, 2015, 9:12 pm

    blah, blah, blah. So what are these new sex positions?

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 3, 2015, 7:15 am

      Well, we need to get together and I’ll draw out the diagrams.

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets May 3, 2015, 12:26 pm

    Facebook is a needy whore. For that reason alone, I try to stay away as much as possible, which is like every other five minutes. 😉

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 3, 2015, 12:41 pm

      It really does come in handy when I’m bored in waiting rooms or when I’m in the van waiting for the kids to come out of school and when I am drunk and want to post inappropriate things to delete 8 hours later.

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