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Dear Brain, From Vagina

Dear Brain,

I get it that I’m an innie and not an outie and so it might be easier for you to forget about me. Penises flap around as a constant reminder as if they shout out with each step, “look at me! here I am!” but I stand back, you know? I’m patient. I’m kind and caring. Like a penis, a dog will bounce around at its owner’s feet, yelping for affection and approval while I sit, tucked in and politely wait to be petted.

But you know what? You rub me the wrong way or you ignore me for too long and somebody’s gonna get bit. I wait and I wait and I wait and then it just gets too damn long and I become unglued and all of a sudden it’s zero to a hundred and there are dead bodies everywhere and I’m being dragged away in cuffs.

I’m really not fussy about appearances; I simply need care. Let me know that you’re thinking about me. Bikini wax or Brazillion, whatever. Thong, full cheek undies or commando, doesn’t matter. Whatever it is you choose for me, make it count. And I don’t want to be lovely for sex, I want to be lovely for you.

I need you to know that I’m important. Wherever your heart and soul have been, I have been too. I practically house 99% of your sensory receptors and so whenever you feel anything, I take the hit. I feel the rush. I can tell when you’ve shut me down in some kind of protective mechanism. The signs are all there. I need to know that you view me as sacred because if I feel respected, then I know that you are okay.

I need you to be okay.  I need you to love yourself, so that you can then love me.

Love, Vagina


{ 11 comments… add one }
  • Susie @ SuzLyfe May 7, 2015, 4:58 am

    Vagina. She’s so needy. What a whiner.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 7, 2015, 8:02 am

      Nooooo! I didn’t mean it to come across as if vagina was whining. I wanted to portray it as healthy and emotional. Gah. This post went south (hehehe).

  • Steve May 7, 2015, 5:50 am

    Dear penis.

    Stop trying to do all of the thinking. I am the brain and I am supposed to do the thinking.

    Love, Brain.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 7, 2015, 8:01 am

      I was wondering who would come up with a dear penis comment! A dear brain from penis post could be hilaaaaarious. Penises are like yappy dogs with ADHD.

  • J@n May 7, 2015, 7:19 am

    Dear Vagina,

    What a coincidence: I’m an innie too! Want to meet up some time for some introflection or (better still) some introspection?

    Love, Bellybutton

  • J@n May 7, 2015, 7:21 am

    Dear Vagina,

    I feel your pain: I’m an innie too, though most people call me an asshole.

    Love, Anus

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 7, 2015, 7:59 am

      Jan, you’re such a clever wordsmith!! Brilliant. Ha ha ha ha ha.

  • Erin@BeetsPerMinute May 8, 2015, 7:24 am

    OMG I’m laughing so much at the commentary, Suzy! I enjoyed this and shared it with my friend who says vagina at least 25 times per get togethers lol

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets May 10, 2015, 7:18 pm

    I go away for a few days and come back to the vagina monologue.

    I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 10, 2015, 7:47 pm

      HAHA! I had literally been so sad thinking that you would have missed this post but here you are. Whew.

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