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Dear Brain, From Walmart

Dear Brain,


I’ve got what you need and it’s inside this plastic packaging that will only take you about 14 tools and 3 paper cuts to open. It has a price tag, which is missing for some reason, but I’m sure once you bring it up to the front of the store the nice lady in the blue apron will help you find it.

The lineup goes forever, but I’m sure you won’t be waiting too long. Even if you’re late for your lunch date with your mom, she won’t worry too much that you’ve been in a car wreck or that you don’t care enough about her to show up for lunch.

You’re only the twelfth person in line and the person ahead of you is buying white kidney beans in bulk because she has leftover bits of constipation from last week’s special on all-beef wieners so she chose to make chili for tomorrow’s church picnic in the park.

The idea of chili reminds you of the lunch you will be late for, and your stomach growls. A small little cheeseburger from McDonald’s won’t wreck your appetite too much. Plus, McDonald’s will be a well-deserved reward for making it through this short lineup.

You get through the next forty-five minutes, entertained by hot pink lacy cleavage, bloodshot eyes and the smell of belly-button lint that most definitely did not originate in the belly-button when it’s finally your turn to approach the till. The lady in the blue apron can’t find the price tag but that’s okay! She will call someone and they will tell her the price! It will only take a moment.

The moment multiplies by the worst Christmas in history and the duration of the worst sex you’ve ever had and eventually you push through the finish line without the thing you wanted to buy because it ended up being misplaced and overpriced.

Three hours later you walk outside through the entrance instead of the exit doors because just for fun, they’re on opposite sides.

Thank you for shopping at Walmart, and have a nice day!

From, Walmart

{ 10 comments… add one }
  • Lisa @ Running Out Of Wine May 14, 2015, 5:51 am

    Visits to Walmart are always special. Now that I live near a Target I will probably avoid Walmart for the rest of my life.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 14, 2015, 10:09 am

      You’re so lucky! No Target here. IT BLOWS.

  • Steve May 14, 2015, 7:04 am

    I knew this was Wal-Mart long before I got close to the end. That is every single one of my Wal-Mart experiences. I am proud to say I haven’t been in one in over a year. I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 14, 2015, 10:09 am

      I still go there, but I stick to the dried food (cereal and shit like that) and diapers, paint brushes, etc. I’m pretty sure the produce has pubic hair in it.

  • Maddie @ Dixie Runs May 14, 2015, 8:00 am

    I can’t remember the last time I went to Walmart and didn’t have a panic attack. Every buggy squeaks and require power steering, the obese customers on motorized scooters always stop in front of the one item you need and stare at it for 30 minutes, the person in line in front of me always has nausea inducing B.O. and I ALWAYS forget something. And every time I leave I say I’m never going back. I think Target was invented for people like us

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 14, 2015, 10:07 am

      K, you got me laughing! I love your description. It’s all so true. Like I told Susie, we don’t have Target in Canada. Fortunately we live about 30 minutes away from one in Washington State but it’s still a pain in the ass to sit in border lineups.

  • Susie @ SuzLyfe May 14, 2015, 8:20 am

    What about shopping at Target vs Walmart? Walmart depresses me.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com May 14, 2015, 10:06 am

      We don’t have Target in Canada! We did for a split second but it was way different than the American version and it sucked so bad that they pulled it.

  • Erin@BeetsPerMinute May 15, 2015, 10:52 am

    Haha omg I feel for you. I thought the British version of Walmart would be a step up, but it’s equally as depressing (at least in Glasgow it is)! ADSA (or as I call it ASDAtraz) I have to be mentally prepared for such endeavors, as it sounds like most other people do too! LOL

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets May 18, 2015, 11:05 am

    This is precisely why I don’t shop at Walmart. In fact, I hate shopping at pretty much most big box stores and avoid them like the plague, even Target.

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