I’ve got what you need and it’s inside this plastic packaging that will only take you about 14 tools and 3 paper cuts to open. It has a price tag, which is missing for some reason, but I’m sure once you bring it up to the front of the store the nice lady in the blue apron will help you find it.
The lineup goes forever, but I’m sure you won’t be waiting too long. Even if you’re late for your lunch date with your mom, she won’t worry too much that you’ve been in a car wreck or that you don’t care enough about her to show up for lunch.
You’re only the twelfth person in line and the person ahead of you is buying white kidney beans in bulk because she has leftover bits of constipation from last week’s special on all-beef wieners so she chose to make chili for tomorrow’s church picnic in the park.
The idea of chili reminds you of the lunch you will be late for, and your stomach growls. A small little cheeseburger from McDonald’s won’t wreck your appetite too much. Plus, McDonald’s will be a well-deserved reward for making it through this short lineup.
You get through the next forty-five minutes, entertained by hot pink lacy cleavage, bloodshot eyes and the smell of belly-button lint that most definitely did not originate in the belly-button when it’s finally your turn to approach the till. The lady in the blue apron can’t find the price tag but that’s okay! She will call someone and they will tell her the price! It will only take a moment.
The moment multiplies by the worst Christmas in history and the duration of the worst sex you’ve ever had and eventually you push through the finish line without the thing you wanted to buy because it ended up being misplaced and overpriced.
Three hours later you walk outside through the entrance instead of the exit doors because just for fun, they’re on opposite sides.
Thank you for shopping at Walmart, and have a nice day!