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Drop It Like It’s Hot

Uhhhh… hi.

I’m in a super bad mood and anything that I put down here will probably leave a bit of a mark.

Do you ever feel red hot rage? Where your outsides look normal to the casual observer but your insides are black, acidic, smoking balls of murderous evil? I do. And in order to cope, I do this thing where I detach a bit, like I leave my body and walk backwards out of it with my hands raised and my eyebrows arched in a “whoa, get me out of here” position. Without attention, the embers burn out and the rage haze settles like dust at my feet and only then do I dare to venture back into the deserted frame of my body.

Now, I’m not talking about righteous anger here–I’m talking about irrational emotional implosion. Nobody did anything to deserve my wrath, which is precisely why it feels so ragey. I want space, I want time to myself, I want to do the things that I want to do, I want it now and when I don’t get it, I lose my shit. Not all the time, of course, or I’d be in jail. Just once in a while, enough to make me human.

I already know what I have to do–I know, I know, I know. Don’t preach. I need to get some fresh air, and when the kids go to bed I probably need to sit alone in a dark room, close my eyes and listen to a heartbeat app or something with birds chirping and waves in the background. And then curl up into Andrew’s arms and have a cry, a shag, and a cigarette.

I actually already feel better just typing this all out. How about that?!

Do you guys ever feel like this?

What would be something that triggers a rage haze for you?

If you could be any animal at all, which one would you choose?

Have you ever farted on anyone or had them fart on you?

I just heard Andrew put Callum into a time-out upstairs and sternly say, “You do NOT fart on people; it’s NOT okay.”

{ 11 comments… add one }
  • Helly June 1, 2017, 7:06 pm

    Oh man. Yes. Yes. Red rage. Burning rage. Seething rage.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 1, 2017, 7:40 pm

      AHHHHH! I feel so bad because Callum will just be overtired, whining for a snack or some cuddles, or Katie will need help with homework and then I get this SUPER HUGE frustration on the inside that doesn’t match what’s going on! It’s so hard to swallow hard and stay calm, but I do, 99% of the time. I’m just saying though that it’s SO HARD to feel those big feels on the inside and hold it together for the sake of not being destructive.

      I’m going for a run now. 🙂

  • Allie Capo-Burdick June 2, 2017, 2:56 am

    Running, swimming and biking always help me to calm the rage. I feel you. I hope you’ve re-enetered your body at this point and are feeling calm. It does help to FEEL all the feelings…and write about them.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 2, 2017, 7:59 am

      It totally helped to write them out! I was going to run on the treadmill except I knew I needed to get outside and get fresh air and it worked! I left my phone at home which makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE in the world. That’s exactly what I needed.

  • Kimberly June 2, 2017, 4:59 am

    I hear ya on the rage haze. I know that when that mood strikes, I need to indulge in some self care and give myself the grace that I give others. Or inhale a donut.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 2, 2017, 7:58 am

      Donut=Grace <3

  • Megan @ Meg Go Run June 2, 2017, 6:34 am

    Ugh I am sorry you have rage!!!! I have been getting ragey reading/watching the news before bed. I have to force myself to read something “happy” so I can calm myself down. I hope your rage has subsided girl!!!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com June 2, 2017, 7:57 am

      It totally subsided! I went for a run outside without my phone and just had the best run ever. That’s smart how you’re intentional about curbing the negativity intake before bed. It’s hard to do especially when we’re already starting to feel it–it gets harder and harder to rein it in. I think it’s normal to get like this and we’re all capable of self control! IT JUST SUCKS.

  • Ana June 2, 2017, 10:11 am

    I admire that you are able to look at your angry self and switch the energy around.

    It’s funny that you mention farting, because the one time I spanked my son, it was because he farted on my face on purpose. He was around 4, being goofy and playing around, I was sitting on his bed and he lifted his little naked butt and farted on my face. I got so angry, I slapped his butt and yelled at him. I felt so awful after, and left the room and cried in the kitchen, while he cried in his room. After we both calmed down, we had a “don’t fart on people’s faces” talk. He doesn’t remember any of it!

  • Wendy@Taking the Long Way Home June 2, 2017, 3:11 pm

    When I started going through perimenopause, about 10 years ago (yes, it takes that long to get to the end zone), I had tremendous anger. It would come out of nowhere and it was black and scary. I’ve always had the tendency to get angry or frustrated easily, but this was beyond my baseline. Alcohol would make it worse. Thankfully, that has passed and running does the trick again.

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets June 3, 2017, 7:00 am

    Oh yes. I’m great at irrational anger. I can feel it, my insides boil and my brain sputters out horrible mean things while I bite my tongue so as not to release them, and I so badly want to hit something (not someone). Usually when this happens, it’s because I’m hungry and Ave or the Hubby or being particularly needy and whiny and I just can’t deal. In fact, it happened just the other morning. Thankfully the Hubby was home and I quickly made breakfast for all of us and then took mine in the other room while he fed the baby.

    I would like to be a cat, in my own home, because those fools are spoiled rotten and they are living the good life.

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