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Feel All the Things

I haven’t been this still and stuck in my own brain for years. I watch his jaw work while the milk goes down as I offer up prayers, no, not prayers, petitions? No. Transactions. Yes, transactions: Please God, get this frigging kid to sleep and I promise I’ll stop using the Lord’s name in vain during sex and traffic. It must be day seven, because God rested.

Being stuck there, though, waiting for a toddler to slip into a deep enough sleep for me to be able to roll out of bed and tippy-toe out of the room, feels like a hostage scene. A single one of his feet is smaller than the bites I take out of my Filet ‘O Fish, yet Callum has the power to keep me still for what seems like ever.

We’re starting to phase out Callum’s naps because we’re finding that on the days that he naps, he doesn’t get to sleep until after 11 pm, and honestly, that’s just not going to fly around here. Andrew and I work our asses off all day long and yet, come 11pm, we’re still sitting on the couch while the dictator chases the cat around with a tennis ball? I think not.

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Now that he goes to bed at a decent hour, I have to say that I’m going to miss it. I’m going to miss being forced to stay still, stuck in my own brain. I’d run my fingers along my hips, dipping into the deep crevices of my stretch marks, remembering the pain that grew them and the time that healed them. I’d watch my youngest son’s chest rise and fall and wish that I could do the same with Jake for then I’d know that right then, he’s okay. My mind would race, I’d be dying to get back downstairs so that I could curl up into Andrew’s arms with a glass of wine and a bowl of chips, sure, but sometimes I need to be forced to stay still and feel All the Things.

Because sometimes that’s the only way we can finally put them to rest.

{ 11 comments… add one }
  • meredith (The Cookie ChRUNicles) November 18, 2016, 2:31 am

    I remember what it was like to get my son to sleep and how I would have to slip out of his hold without him waking up. each movement I would make to remove myself was so careful and still and then I would have to tip toe out which sometimes was a crawl (I don’t know why but it made less noise lol). in some ways, I miss it! even when was 3 and 4, he would make me lay there and he would hold on to my ear. it sounds so funny now lol.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com November 18, 2016, 6:59 am

      I’ve totally army-crawled out of a bedroom! It was after a bad date though. HA HA just kidding, just kidding. Okay your son holding onto your ear is SO precious. So so so cute. Mama’s boy. Love it.

  • Allie Capo-Burdick November 18, 2016, 2:50 am

    I so remember those days! They were excruciating and yet brought such a sense of peace and love…kind of like running 🙂

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com November 18, 2016, 6:58 am

      Awe, yes! I hate lying there like a hostage while I think of all the things I could be doing and getting done! It’s kinda cool how we are forced to lie still sometimes though. It’s good for me.

  • Susie @ SuzLyfe November 18, 2016, 4:01 am

    We can be scared of stillness because there is no way to escape our demons in stillness, no distractions. If we can live with ourselves in stillness, though… we can love ourselves when the shit hits the fan.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com November 18, 2016, 6:58 am

      SPOT ON. You should have written this post.

  • Wendy@Taking the Long Way Home November 18, 2016, 4:10 am

    That’s ok. You’ll get a chance to revisit those feelings when your boys are teens and they’re out with friends. Sleep eludes you and your mind is spinning…

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com November 18, 2016, 6:57 am

      Well, we do have teenagers too…. did you know that? So we deal with both ends of the spectrum all in one day/night! It makes life very interesting.

  • Ana November 18, 2016, 9:04 am

    I struggle with getting my son to sleep, and as soon as he falls asleep, I miss him and want to wake him up. But we all have “responsibilities” to be up early for…. boo!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com November 18, 2016, 12:15 pm

      Awe, yes I’m the same way. When we get a babysitter, I miss him after about an hour, and then when we come home and see him it’s a sweet reunion, but then I want the babysitter back. LOL

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets November 20, 2016, 1:43 pm

    Go to a yoga class. You’ll feel all the things especially in shavasana. It’s amazing and horrifying all at the same time.

    Thankfully Ave goes to bed early, like around 6:00 to 7:30 early, all daytime nap dependent.

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