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Hot Pants

Liar, liar, pants on fire…hanging from a telephone wire!

I googled this phrase and came up with a whole lot of nothing. Nobody knows where this phrase originated or precisely what it means and yet it’s one of the most popular sing-songs of the English language.

However, I doubt it takes much of a brainiac to interpret its meaning, given the vivid visual of the whole scene. How absolutely painful and humiliating it would be to have one’s pants on fire, hanging up high for all to see?

My dad’s pants were on fire. My dad is a recovering alcoholic (27 years sober) and recovering alcoholics have great difficulty telling the truth about anything. They lie just for the sake of being heard. Because they’re bored. Because they have shit to cover up, and then more shit to cover up the covered up shit, and so on. Part of the twelve step program requires self awareness and honesty, and so when my dad first went through that process he came clean (literally) about his life and in fact, the honesty was so freeing that it may have even become one of his new addictions.

Vern is a great story-teller. He’s SO entertaining. But back then he’d finish up his story, see us all in gales of laughter and then, because he was/is dedicated to his recovery, he’d go through the whole entire damn story again, pick out the parts that were embellished and confess the parts that were simply not true. At the end of it all, the story was disappointing, boring, and anorexic. But as the truth came out, my dad got better, and that’s all that mattered.


I love truth because it sets people free, and I love freedom. Where there is freedom, there is growth. Where there is growth there is love, and good food, and babies, and sunshine, and beaches and miracles and lilies and sex positions you’ve never been brave enough to try, and textures that squeak when you bite into them, and everything feels better. Everything tastes better.

Yesterday I posted the link to a podcast that I was in, and something about it bothered me. When I said that I qualified for the Commonwealth Games? That’s true. But I qualified as a substitute, not as one of the top three. And I didn’t leave that part out to be deceptive but I realized later that there is a big difference between a real qualification and a substitute. Nevertheless, it would have been an incredible experience! I didn’t go over to England because it was during our divorce and I had no money to go.

While we’re all telling the truth here, Callum just threw a fit because I wouldn’t let him use my phone for YouTube Thomas the Train videos so he yelled “FUCK” and then started spitting on the floor. I love the smell of gasoline and permanent marker, and this morning I woke up to Cadbury mini eggs melted all over my thighs and stuck to the bed sheets. I guess I ate them in the middle of the night when I woke up to get my way-too-old-to-drink-a-bottle toddler a bottle of milk. Waking up to brown matter stuck to my body is a bit alarming, but I am glad that the truth is chocolate-flavoured.

Tell the truth about something….

Have you ever eaten anything in the middle of the night and woken up to a bit of a mess?

Do you know any compulsive liars, and how do you handle them?


{ 24 comments… add one }
  • Megan @ Meg Go Run July 19, 2016, 7:27 pm

    That picture of your dad is awesome! I am sure it is way better to have a dad who is sober than a dad who isn’t yet tells flowery stories.

    Paul’s dad embellishes the SHIT out of every story he tells or when he is trying to back his position up on something. It annoys the hell out of me, and I can’t believe a word he says. I mean, at this point there may be actual true things he says, but I just don’t believe them. Paul has started to embellish stuff too and I can’t tell if he does it because he is mixing up his memories or what. But I correct every story he tells incorrectly because I can be a bitch sometimes (truth!!!!!) and also I don’t want him to turn into his dad!!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 19, 2016, 7:33 pm

      Two things: There are pros and cons of having a sober dad, too many and too personal to list in a comment. But just know that just because someone is sober doesn’t mean they’re healthy. They’re strong as FUCK. But it’s not always fun for them, or their family and friends! My dad knows how much I love and respect him, and so I’m okay with writing that much in this comment.

      I went through a lying phase, and of all the stupid ass shit I have done in my entire life (WAY TOO MANY TO COUNT) none of it, NONE OF IT even came CLOSE to affecting my integrity and character the way that lying did. It’s gross, it creates so much anxiety, and robs me completely of sleep and sanity. I’d way rather tell the truth and face the consequences of that (sometimes those consequences are pretty steep) than to live with the lies inside my own heart and mind. That takes experience, strength, time, maturity, whatever. But whenever I come across liars, I get the fuck out of there.

  • Laura @ This Runner's Recipes July 19, 2016, 7:55 pm

    I saw the video of Callum screaming f&ck on Instagram and it made me laugh, but then it also made me pause and think how hard you work as a mom to deal with those ups and downs. You’re so impressive!
    I once came back from drinking in college and woke up with Special K cereal all over my bunk.
    Truth: Just before this I looked up how Ryan and I can immigrate to Canada.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 19, 2016, 8:05 pm

      You’d fit in so well here. It’s expensive AF but Andrew’s a realtor so we can help you out!

  • Lisa @ Running Out of Wine July 20, 2016, 2:33 am

    Callum is too funny! I hate the smell of gasoline and permanent markers! They give me headaches. I think I am really sensitive to smells because I will walk into the house gagging saying that the garbage smells and Rob has no idea what Im talking about. I think the only night time eating I have done was after coming home from drinking.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 20, 2016, 2:00 pm

      I’m really sensitive to smells too! I’m always the first person to catch a whiff of something stinky. LUCKY US.

  • Allie July 20, 2016, 2:38 am

    I love how you wove this whole thing together. Brilliant. I also loved listening to you talk to Denny on the podcast.
    My truth: I should be doing actual work right now and not commenting on blog posts!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 20, 2016, 1:59 pm

      Thanks Allie! I think by now you’re done your work day so go enjoy your evening! Woohoo!

  • Susie @ SuzLyfe July 20, 2016, 3:29 am

    Girl, you still went to the Commonwealth Games! They took you as a sub, that counts, dammit. I don’t eat in bed, so I think that has carried over to my sleeping life. I have woken up vomitting before though.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 20, 2016, 1:59 pm

      Awe, you barfed in your bed? Oh I think I remember you telling me that! 🙁

  • Amy Lauren July 20, 2016, 5:45 am

    Alternate/sub at the games… whatever. You still went. Be proud of yourself and don’t worry about the podcast. I listened and I really liked it.

    I do know some compulsive liars. It’s hard. I think the hardest thing is when you figure it out, you don’t know about trusting them and wonder about how much you trusted to begin with.

    A few months ago, I was doing a running streak challenge and believe I was overreaching. I would wake up hungry and eat bars (Quest, Atkins or something similar, the high protein & fiber bars) and woke up and found the wrapper in the bed. I stopped the streak and cut mileage for a week and was all better.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 20, 2016, 1:58 pm

      If I ate those bars there would be a different streak in my bed… they have too much fibre for this old girl.

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets July 20, 2016, 6:40 am

    I ate girl scout cookies in the bathtub when I was pregnant.

    The first few weeks after Ave was born, I wanted to flee and walk away from my entire life.

    These days I have trouble letting other people hold her when she gets even the tiniest bit fussy. I know I need to work on it, but I don’t really want to.

    Also, I gave up on tummy time. We haven’t done it in weeks. Somehow I think she’ll survive.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 20, 2016, 1:56 pm

      I think those cookies taste even better when they’re consumed in the bathroom.

  • Nikki G July 20, 2016, 11:55 am

    I was listening to your podcast at the beach yesterday, and somehow I accidentally closed it, then when I went back to finish it, it wouldn’t let me fast forward to the 40 minute mark! BOO! I’m gonna try to fast forward on my laptop tonight b/c I LOVED IT! You had me smiling and tearing up (as usual).
    Um, I haven’t eaten in bed in the middle of the night, but sometimes, if I’m exhausted after work, and stressed, I’ll take a bag of Trader Joe’s chocolate chips to bed with me… 🙂 They are hidden in the little cabinet on the bedframe. haha

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 20, 2016, 1:56 pm

      Oh, it’s long enough already without having to start all over and listen to it from the beginning! I hope it lets you fast forward! EEEEK!

  • Meredith @ cookie chrunicles July 20, 2016, 12:54 pm

    Is it wrong to laugh at callum’s language? My son was/is the same way. And I was never one to use the curse words which made it all the more interesting that my son did since he was always with me

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 20, 2016, 1:55 pm

      So, I swear on here but I hardly EVER swear in real life. Maybe when I scraped the van up against the gate in our complex last week but even then, I didn’t say the “F” word; I just yelled “OH SHIT!”

  • Aimie C July 20, 2016, 1:32 pm

    Being a mom is so hard….the truth is I feel like I really suck at it most times. My 2.5 year old talks back and acts so naughty sometimes I feel like I am doing NOTHING right. Normal to feel this way I am sure…but MAN. When I read the end of your post about Callum swearing, it just reminded me that I am not alone dealing with these crazy toddlers.
    My older brother embellishes every freaking story he ever tells. I love reminiscing about old times and laughing about funny stories with him and my younger brother, but the guy always has to make the story more interesting or adds details that I am POSITIVE never occurred.
    If I am up in the middle of the night with one of my girls, I always sneak in some chocolate or a few scoops of ice cream. Somehow it feels like if I ate it when no one was watching or in middle of the night, the calories don’t count, ha! I never tell my husband I do this for some reason and act all surprised when he is wondering where the ice cream went.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 20, 2016, 1:54 pm

      It’s just a little awkward when we take Callum to the store or any other public place. It started out as his way of saying “truck” but when he said “fuck” it got this huge reaction from all the kids and so he keeps doing it. SIGH…

  • Sheila July 20, 2016, 2:26 pm

    Truth….I ate a four litre pail of ice cream one night and then bought another one that night and ate it down to where it was so my husband wouldn’t know. I was so thirsty.
    Know a compulsive liar….yes and an alcoholic – think she only fabricates when drunk. How do I deal….I talk to her when she is sober and ignore her when she is not….this brings on other truthful thoughts that I probably shouldn’t mention.

    I think it is funny when little kids swear at appropriate times but then again I have a dog and no kids.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 20, 2016, 8:03 pm

      Ha ha ha! FOUR LITRES OF ICE CREAM?!?! I bow down to your amazingness. That is INCREDIBLE.

      You sound like you have kids, because that’s exactly what we’re supposed to do as parents: ignore bad behaviour and communicate during the positive times. Too bad you have to parent an adult, though. THAT is draining. Blah….

  • Ange // Cowgirl Runs July 20, 2016, 3:33 pm

    I have a friend who is a borderline pathological liar and I hate it. I’ve known him forever, so instead of cutting him out, I call him on it and help him to understand that life is better when we’re honest. It’s one of those situations where I give him far more grace than I would to someone I just met, but I’m also extremely aware of his lying.

    Also, substitute or not, that’s an absolutely amazing accomplishment.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com July 20, 2016, 8:04 pm

      Well, hopefully your consistency pays off and he realizes sooner than later that there’s nothing hot about liars. Grace is a good thing, with boundaries in place. If he’s using your grace AND he’s a liar, well… uhhh… that would call for some serious tough love on your part.

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