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Letting Them Go

Just when I forget about my anxiety disorder, I get hit with insomnia. I very rarely have trouble sleeping; Even when my life goes to shit, I can still collapse into bed and get a solid 7 hours of sleep. I’d like to say it’s as simple as running and staying busy throughout the day, but I know that realistically, it took years of therapy and re-training my mind to get to this point. But once in a while, I have trouble sleeping.

Last night was that time. It came out of nowhere, too, which is the nature of anxiety.

I set my alarm for 5:45 so that I could drive Jake to work. Andrew and I went to bed at a decent hour of about 11, but then I woke up at 2am to have a wee and then I couldn’t go back to sleep. I had farts, Callum was in bed beside us, Andrew was snoring, the fan was making a weird noise and my brain was performing emotional handsprings in my head. I went downstairs, had a cookie and a glass of milk (ho ho ho) and then climbed back into bed. No dice. Callum was kicking me so I climbed into his toddler bed beside our bed to try sleeping there. Still no dice.

I finally climbed back into bed and just practiced the art of letting go, where I don’t fight the anxiety anymore; I let it take me over, and honestly, that is key. As soon as I cried mercy to it, when I finally came to terms with and accepted the fact that I will probably only get 3 hours of sleep that night, I could move on to the next stage of stating the truth that I will not die from getting 3 hours of sleep. That I will survive, and life will go on.

Then? I fell asleep, and woke up engulfed in fart.

Anyone get woken up by your own farts? Someone else’s farts?

Insomniac? How do you deal?

{ 18 comments… add one }
  • Megan @ Meg Go Run December 22, 2016, 6:50 pm

    You described exactly how it feels when i lay in bed and can’t sleep. Paul is loud, I am farting, I am hot, I am thinking about work and getting pissed off about shit that. Luckily I am in like you where I’ll have random nights I can’t sleep but for the most part it is ok. I get so sad and depressed when I am awake in the middle of the night. Even in the summer when I don’t need to get up at a certain time. It is still so depressing because when I can’t sleep I think about every horrible thing that ever happened to ne.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com December 23, 2016, 9:18 am

      Yes, and it feels terribly lonely, like we’re the only ones awake. SUCKS SO BAD.

  • Vern December 22, 2016, 10:03 pm

    I can’t think of a more glorious way to wake up than by being engulfed in and overwhelmed by one’s own fumes.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com December 23, 2016, 9:17 am

      Ha! Total bliss.

  • Lisa @ Mile by Mile December 23, 2016, 2:20 am

    If I wake up in the middle of the night it can be really hard to fall back to sleep. Like all of sudden my brain starts racing about everything that is going on. It used to be worse when I worked directly with kids because their problems would keep me awake. Now its stuff that doesnt matter as much like deadlines and difficult coworkers. There have been a few times lately where I have woken up at 3am and just gotten up for the day.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com December 23, 2016, 9:17 am

      I completely resigned myself to the fact that I would probably just get up at 3 and start running or something. It also helps to know that you guys on the East coast are already awake, so I don’t feel so alone!

  • Wendy@Taking the Long Way Home December 23, 2016, 4:41 am

    My husband’s farts used to wake me up–they were loud and foul. He also snores. It was bad. He sleeps on the couch now–his choice. He says it’s more comfortable. It is for me too.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com December 23, 2016, 9:16 am

      Ha ha ha! Sleep is everything.

  • Laura @ This Runner's Recipes December 23, 2016, 9:31 am

    In middle school, I had to see a sleep therapist because I couldn’t sleep – and I had bouts of insominia until college, when running helped me sleep better. Now Ryan jokes that I sleep through anything from 9pm- 5 am.
    Except the time that Charlie farted so badly under the sheets that everyone woke up.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com December 23, 2016, 10:05 am

      Dog farts are so foul. I’m jealous. Insomnia is so isolating! I’m glad you don’t struggle with it anymore!

  • Ana December 23, 2016, 11:40 am

    ugh! That sounds stressful! And tiring!!

    Omg!! I’m sorry, but I’m laughing at the waking up to farts! I’ve waken up bc I can’t handle the fart smells around me…. Lacoste intolerant husbands and others !

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com December 23, 2016, 3:04 pm

      Just last night, Andrew was snoring so I nudged him a bit and told him to roll onto his side. Whenever I do that, I scratch his back a little to help him stay asleep; I feel bad for waking him up. But last night when he rolled over, hot fart smell came up from the blankets. DOH.

  • Gretchen December 23, 2016, 11:52 am

    I’ve never woken up by farts, but I was really gassy yesterday. I think it’s all the cauliflower I ate for dinner. Sorry Dan!

    I’ve had really bad insomnia and night terrors this past year, so I started taking some natural sleeping pills at night, reading a book, and drinking tea when I’m ready to sleep. It helps me calm down a lot! That’s also the reason why I got rid of Facebook during the election and it helped me sleep much better 🙂

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com December 23, 2016, 3:03 pm

      That is a really smart move. I used to drink sleepytime tea when I was a kid and it didn’t help me but I think it’s because my insomnia is due to medical anxiety and only a prescription could touch that!

      I love having hot stinky farts when I’m fighting with Andrew because then it’s like my secret deadly weapon: passive aggression in its bestest form.

  • Sarah Dudek December 24, 2016, 8:11 pm

    I had a little laugh at the fart session. But I honestly understand your frustration with lack of sleep/insomnia. I usually sleep well. But I also have mind and body that often can’t relax or sit still. Sometimes I lay in bed and my mind goes crazy. When I was pregnant I learned the art of meditation (because sometimes a glass of wine is what helps me unwind) and my husband will nudge me when I get antsy and say, “Do the breathing you learned.” Fingers crossed for a deep sleep tonight!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com December 25, 2016, 6:53 am

      Hi Sarah! I had forgotten about that breathing thing; I started doing square breathing and it really helped me settle down. Thanks for the reminder! I’ve been sleeping really well since that night, thank goodness. Thanks for the crossed fingers. 🙂

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets December 26, 2016, 10:58 am

    If I’ve ever been woken up by a fart, it would have been my own. Being gassy runs in our genes. Poor Ave is sure to be the same. 🙂 Oh well, better out than in.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com December 26, 2016, 3:33 pm

      Same. Totally!

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