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Public Toilet Paper Review

I don’t like using public bathrooms but I mean, sometimes it’s unavoidable. Of course having a wee is no big deal because we’re in and we’re out. Nothing embarrassing about that. But poo happens, ideally at 7am each morning but along comes variables such as stress, diarrhea chips and bacterial infections and then boom. Poo. Out of nowhere.

This is my experience with public toilet paper.

Exhibit A:

The vertically stacked roll on roll, packed tightly into the receptacle. These are the worst. They are so loud, rumbling and shaking with each small tug, and each small tug spits out the tiniest little bit of paper, forcing the user to pull and pull while it rumbles and shakes then WHAM the top roll slams down on top of your hand, pinching the bottom roll even tighter, making it even more difficult to get more paper. Hot DAMN that pisses me off. Everyone knows you’re taking a shit because of all the MF toilet paper sounds!!!

Exhibit B:

The side by side rolls. These are my favourite in the roll category because not only do the rolls glide rather silently with ease but the paper tears along the perforated marks quite nicely. My advice would be to choose the smaller of the two rolls; it moves more smoothly.

Exhibit C:

Single roll, basic container. It’s not my favourite but it’s not the worst. The paper doesn’t tear that well, but it’s okay. The roll moves easily, which is nice, and it’s not too noisy. The problem is if the roll starts to run out, you’ve got to reach your hand way up there to try and nail down the end of the roll to pull it out. If the roll runs out entirely, there’s no backup roll, so you’re screwed.

Exhibit D:

Square-by-square toilet paper. THE BEST INVENTION EVER. Silent. Absolutely stealth retrieval with zero issues regarding tearing the paper because the receptacle spits out single squares! You just gather up enough squares to make a pillowy cloud and that’s it! And yes, there’s a brown smudge on the wall to the bottom right of the dispenser. It’s not mine, I swear.

Exhibit E:

The worst of the worst. You can see why this dispenser is so bad just by looking at the ripped up piece of toilet paper lying on the bathroom floor. My GOODNESS this is grievous. I spent what seemed like hours sitting there, ripping off tiny bits of paper, rattling the whole thing while doing it, basically announcing a poo in stall #1. Frick. It was awful. Obviously the girl next to me barely got out alive, either. And the irony of it all is that I flooded the toilet with all those bits of one-ply paper. My wrists and forearms were all scraped up from reaching up into the dispenser. I walked out of there like I had just been strangled.

Which one is your favourite?

Which one would be your least favourite?

Do you have any public bathroom stories?


{ 23 comments… add one }
  • Lisa @ Mile by Mile March 10, 2017, 1:57 am

    I don’t think I have ever seen exhibit d! Or maybe Im just not paying close enough attention.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:59 pm

      I don’t blame you for focusing your attention on more important things! I’m surprised you even made it through this post! Ha ha!

  • Allie Capo-Burdick March 10, 2017, 3:09 am

    OMG this may be your best post ever!!! I couldn’t agree more with every single thing you said and I have yet to see Exhibit D but it should be a law that they are installed in every.single.public.facility!
    And, you read about the toilets in Cuba, right? 🙂

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:58 pm

      Cuban toilets take the cake. Well, the one we had in Haiti was pretty bad, but it wouldn’t be fair to compare those.

  • Jen March 10, 2017, 3:20 am

    My problem with the little separate squares is that they’re SO SMALL. Like, in what universe is that square big enough to do anything but get my hand covered in pee. So I have to use like 14 of them for each wipe. Annoying.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:57 pm

      Oh yeah totally. I just love how quickly and silently they fluff out. I use 40.

  • Susie @ Suzlyfe March 10, 2017, 3:51 am

    Where are the EMPTY toilet paper dispensers? I run into that all the freaking time.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:56 pm

      THE WORST. Well, the worst is when you rush into a stall to go and the person prior didn’t flush down the brown.

  • Wendy@Taking the Long Way Home March 10, 2017, 4:13 am

    There should be bidets in every stall. No paper.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:55 pm

      Okay, yeah but then what? Drip dry? Or a nice little air dryer positioned down low? Now we’re talking!

  • meredith (The Cookie ChRUNicles) March 10, 2017, 7:09 am

    you crack me up! I always hated the squares which we had in school but I can see their appeal sometimes over the other options. The worst for me is when the bathrooms are out of toilet paper and you don’t realize until you need it. then it becomes a Seinfeld episode of asking someone to “spare a square” which I totally did once at Nordstrom. It was pretty funny.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:55 pm

      I can’t even remember the last time that has happened to me but I know it has! I do remember bumming a tampon off of the girl next to me though. Those are expensive!

  • Russ March 10, 2017, 8:35 am

    This is awesome! How long did it take you to gather the research? We have exhibit A at work – effing hate it. I can applaud exhibit B but have never seen D. That’s a game changer!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:54 pm

      You ask very snoopy questions there, Russ. Okay, okay. Two weeks. I usually don’t poop in bathrooms that often, though. I was going through something. Heh heh heh…

  • Ana March 10, 2017, 12:24 pm

    OmG!! this is the best! My office currently has none of the modes you have, but they are awful! the rolls are all wonky and they don’t roll right, so we get one sheet at a time, it’s annoying!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:53 pm

      Getting out one sheet at a time would take me from zero to homicidal in 3.4 seconds.

  • Laura @ This Runner's Recipes March 10, 2017, 1:21 pm

    Hahaha this is hilarious! Exhibit E is infuriating, especially when the toilet paper is so delicate and flimsy that it shreds as you try to pull it out.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:52 pm

      And the tell-tail sign of those dispensers is tiny bits of shredded toilet paper all over the bathroom floor. ARGGHHH!

  • Amy Lauren March 10, 2017, 3:10 pm

    The absolute worst are those that you cannot tear off, there’s a blade that tears it for you, so you can’t get very much toilet paper. Unfortunately you never can get enough!

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:49 pm

      Yeah and it’s always one-ply, which is TRICKY. It tricks us into thinking we have enough toilet paper until we actually go to use it and…. ya. No. Not enough toilet paper.

  • Megan @ Meg Go Run March 10, 2017, 5:14 pm

    LOL of course you would review toilet paper!! I am fine as long as it rips when I want it to rip. I hate cheap paper that just rips before you get a nice hefty piece.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com March 10, 2017, 6:48 pm

      YES! Tiny little rips. Over and over and over until you just give up and have a major toilet paper fail.

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets March 11, 2017, 7:42 am

    I hate public bathroom toilet paper mainly because it’s so paper thin (pun intended), you need like five fistfuls just to blot. When it comes to wiping, you might as well double that amount, especially if it’s not a clean sweep down there. Also there’s no fluff to it. Just hard thin crap for our craps.

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