Sunday, February 15th
I made a list of food to eat today, and went to the grocery store to stock up. I read pretty much everywhere online that the less roughage you eat the days leading up to the colonoscopy, the less traumatizing the ass expulsion will be.
- Clear broth
- Rice Crispies
- Non-fruit yogurt
- Juice (clear juices, no pulp)
- Sweet potato (no skin)
As far as food and drink consumption goes, I’m panicking. I keep imagining everything I’m eating and drinking coming out my poor little soon-to-be-sore bum hole. I can’t stand this. I’m scared to go poo. I need to go poo. I had a cup of coffee with cream and then went poo. It was a nice boring typical poo. I was pleased.
I started out the day at 122 lb which is my regular baseline weight I’ve been at for a few years (besides the pregnancy).
It took me a couple of hours to get up the courage to eat and when I finally did, I managed to down a bowl of Rice Krispies and vanilla yogurt. I also snuck in a triple tall flat white from Starbucks. I figured I could try and see how much poo I could get out with the exquisite power of coffee but alas, my 7am poo made the only appearance. Too bad. I also made sure to skip taking my vitamins as I read that the extra iron can bung things up and that’s the last thing I need.
For lunch I had another bowl of Rice Krispies in yogurt, a bowl of Cornflakes in whole milk and a plain sweet potato with butter. I also fried an egg but couldn’t bring myself to eat it. I see everything in future poo form. It’s insane, really. I mean, really insane. So I had another bowl of Rice Krispies and Cornflakes mixed together with milk.
It all went downhill from there. Lora came over with a bottle of red wine and since I hadn’t seen her in forever, I figured one glass would be fine. But then I figured since I’ve wrecked it all with the wine that I may as well eat two slices of lemon loaf and three chocolate chip cookies, and almost an entire package of pre-sliced havarti cheese. FML.
Monday, February 16th
I’m only drinking liquids today. No food. Tomorrow I have to consume only clear liquids, but today I am okay to have cream in my coffee and milk.
I weigh 123 lb today. How did that happen? Bodies are so weird. I had coffee with cream, had a nice lovely little poo and then nursed a Mountain Dew. Around mid-morning I had a tall flat white from Starbucks (the whole milk helps to fill me up longer) and then resumed sipping the Mountain Dew.
I bought flushable wet wipes, a bottle of Vaseline, some bum ointment, and Crystal Light lemon flavoured drink powder (I heard it cuts the taste of the medicinal drink). It’s 11:30 am and I feel ready. I can do this.
It’s now 1:30pm and I’m starving, heating up a truckload of chicken broth. I decided to chew on some gummy candies that Tracey bought me for Valentine’s Day, just to get the taste in my mouth but then I spat them out. I had a Sour Patch Kids orange popsicle before I left the house.
Sitting at the orthodontist with the kids, I couldn’t take it anymore and dissolved a couple of fishy crackers in my mouth and gulped down a courtesy coffee with some fat free creamer (I didn’t even know there was such a thing). I fed the kids some dinner when we got home and then ended up having a bowl of Rice Krispies cereal with milk and a handful of Hershey’s Kisses chocolates. I feel better. I’ve got a roaring headache and a sore throat from an incoming head cold. Terrific.
More chocolate, and some hot chocolate with extra scoops of chocolate powder, cooled down with coffee cream. I’d be a really terrible dieter. Wow.
There isn’t any room for mistakes tomorrow. I wake up, take 3 Ducolax tablets and wait for the rumbling. I drink the Pico-Salax at 8pm and that’s when the real show begins. I won’t be able to nurse Callum at all (he drinks milk from his sippy cup like a boss) so it will be interesting to see how he handles it.
I’ve stocked the fridge full of clear pop, juice, popsicles and broth. It’s go time. Roll out the toilet paper carpet.