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Shades of Brown: Dark

Sunday, February 15th

I made a list of food to eat today, and went to the grocery store to stock up. I read pretty much everywhere online that the less roughage you eat the days leading up to the colonoscopy, the less traumatizing the ass expulsion will be.

  1. Eggs
  2. Clear broth
  3. Rice Crispies
  4. Cornflakes
  5. Rice
  6. Pasta
  7. Non-fruit yogurt
  8. Milk
  9. Pop
  10. Juice (clear juices, no pulp)
  11. Sweet potato (no skin)

As far as food and drink consumption goes, I’m panicking. I keep imagining everything I’m eating and drinking coming out my poor little soon-to-be-sore bum hole. I can’t stand this. I’m scared to go poo. I need to go poo. I had a cup of coffee with cream and then went poo. It was a nice boring typical poo. I was pleased.

I started out the day at 122 lb which is my regular baseline weight I’ve been at for a few years (besides the pregnancy).

It took me a couple of hours to get up the courage to eat and when I finally did, I managed to down a bowl of Rice Krispies and vanilla yogurt. I also snuck in a triple tall flat white from Starbucks. I figured I could try and see how much poo I could get out with the exquisite power of coffee but alas, my 7am poo made the only appearance. Too bad. I also made sure to skip taking my vitamins as I read that the extra iron can bung things up and that’s the last thing I need.

For lunch I had another bowl of Rice Krispies in yogurt, a bowl of Cornflakes in whole milk and a plain sweet potato with butter. I also fried an egg but couldn’t bring myself to eat it. I see everything in future poo form. It’s insane, really. I mean, really insane. So I had another bowl of Rice Krispies and Cornflakes mixed together with milk.

It all went downhill from there. Lora came over with a bottle of red wine and since I hadn’t seen her in forever, I figured one glass would be fine. But then I figured since I’ve wrecked it all with the wine that I may as well eat two slices of lemon loaf and three chocolate chip cookies, and almost an entire package of pre-sliced havarti cheese. FML.

Monday, February 16th

I’m only drinking liquids today. No food. Tomorrow I have to consume only clear liquids, but today I am okay to have cream in my coffee and milk.

I weigh 123 lb today. How did that happen? Bodies are so weird. I had coffee with cream, had a nice lovely little poo and then nursed a Mountain Dew. Around mid-morning I had a tall flat white from Starbucks (the whole milk helps to fill me up longer) and then resumed sipping the Mountain Dew.

I bought flushable wet wipes, a bottle of Vaseline, some bum ointment, and Crystal Light lemon flavoured drink powder (I heard it cuts the taste of the medicinal drink). It’s 11:30 am and I feel ready. I can do this.

It’s now 1:30pm and I’m starving, heating up a truckload of chicken broth. I decided to chew on some gummy candies that Tracey bought me for Valentine’s Day, just to get the taste in my mouth but then I spat them out. I had a Sour Patch Kids orange popsicle before I left the house.

Sitting at the orthodontist with the kids, I couldn’t take it anymore and dissolved a couple of fishy crackers in my mouth and gulped down a courtesy coffee with some fat free creamer (I didn’t even know there was such a thing). I fed the kids some dinner when we got home and then ended up having a bowl of Rice Krispies cereal with milk and a handful of Hershey’s Kisses chocolates. I feel better. I’ve got a roaring headache and a sore throat from an incoming head cold. Terrific.

More chocolate, and some hot chocolate with extra scoops of chocolate powder, cooled down with coffee cream. I’d be a really terrible dieter. Wow.

There isn’t any room for mistakes tomorrow. I wake up, take 3 Ducolax tablets and wait for the rumbling. I drink the Pico-Salax at 8pm and that’s when the real show begins. I won’t be able to nurse Callum at all (he drinks milk from his sippy cup like a boss) so it will be interesting to see how he handles it.

I’ve stocked the fridge full of clear pop, juice, popsicles and broth. It’s go time. Roll out the toilet paper carpet.

{ 2 comments… add one }
  • Susie @ SuzLyfe February 17, 2015, 7:12 am

    It’s called the “low residue diet.” Or, as I like to say, the yellow and orange diet and everything that I never eat and therefore feel disgusting for 2 weeks diet. I’ve had to do it many times.
    Goldfish and mac n cheese and eggs are where it is at.

    • suzy.suzyheather@gmail.com February 17, 2015, 7:52 am

      Ha ha… yes it seems that everything was yellow and orange! That’s hilarious. Even today, I’m not supposed to have anything red or purple so it doesn’t look like intestinal bleeding when the doctor goes in there. I’m already fantasizing about my post-procedure meal and it’s only 7am. I have like, what… 36 hours left of this? Oh well. Totally worth it.

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