I wish my Week in Review could be cuter than it is. I wish it could be filled with adorable ultrasound pictures, of Callum holding up his latest playdough creation, or of Jake with his cast off (he got his cast off! and then got strep throat!) or of a deliciously warm slab of homemade bread smothered in melty butter, perched upon the countertop on a red and white checkered towel, highlighted by streams of sunlight pouring through the kitchen window.
The real life Week in Review is not cute despite its adorable host Meghan from Clean Eats Fast Feets. Whomp, here it is:
What an ordeal. I started to develop a wicked stomach ache on Wednesday of last week. Not a nauseous stomach ache but a cramping, gassy one, except without the relief of being able to fart or poop. Almost like throwing a blindfolded teenage boy into a room of naked models. It was awful. I mean, I wasn’t constipated; I had my regular morning poops but then the stomach cramps that would develop during the day were so painful, like my intestines were twisting, and anytime I felt like maybe a fart was developing I’d get so excited, so nervous. Like I’d think okay maybe this will be the fart that makes me feel better! And I’d almost kill it like how we can kill a sneeze if we jinx it with our desperation.
No farts came. No relief. More cramps.
I posted for help on Facebook, asking people about gallstones and everyone was so kind and so helpful but I quickly realized that my issue was not gallbladder related. Plus it felt really gastrointestinal. I could almost feel the matter pushing past a certain spot along my guts that hurt like a MF. My stomach itself, like my actual stomach was so sore, even when I lightly pushed on it from the outside.
And then a hero came along–she gave me strength to carry on.
My friend Tammy, who also happened to be the labour and delivery nurse at Callum’s delivery, messaged me about my stomach pains and she told me that even though I’m still able to poop, I might still have some partial blockage in there that’s causing me pain. Since the pregnant body’s GI tract slows down digestion so much, everything in there gets quite sluggish, even stuck, and often needs help being pushed through with some stool softeners. So, at 7am right after she texted me, I dropped everything (including a poop) and headed to the store. I stirred the powder into a glass of water and waited for the show to begin.
But as the day wore on, my cramps began to die down and by 2pm I was able to do a light short run. When I got back, I ate a few slices of pizza and lo and behold I heard and felt the rumbles within that would bring the with, out. I so wish I put the next 20 minutes on YouTube because I’d have made millions.
No poo, but farts for dayyyyyyyyzzzz. Ridiculously long farts that would go up a note, hold a note, go down a note, and then turn a corner, somersault, and end with a handspring. It was epic.
I did the same thing the next day: drank the drink, waited for the rumbles and did the farts and with each passing hour and blast of gas, my stomach cramps died down from emergent to a second glance and for this, I am forever indebted to Tammy.
Thank you, Tammy, for helping me. Thank you to my friends and family who messaged me privately with encouragement, suggestions, and jokes. Thank you to my readers for loving me through so many poo posts, and thank you to my number one fan, my number one contributor towards both my ability to poo and to write about it, my Daddoo. Always, your Poo Sue.
How badly do you want those pants? Or the bike called Lightening?
How safe do I look back there, eh?
Give me another metaphor besides a blindfolded teenage boy in a room filled with naked models.