I have like, mayyyyybe five minutes to write this post because Andrew took Kylah, Ethan and Callum out to the park so that I could do some work for him, and Jason took Freddy and Katie out for dinner for his birthday and they’re going to be back any second to pack for their trip; they’re going away with Jason’s family for twelve days. I’ll miss them.
The first time I ever stayed behind while Jake, Freddy and Katie went with Jason on their family’s annual summer vacation was, I believe, in 2010. Actually, I think I went for a few days but it was probably pretty hard for everyone as Jason and I were separated. I drove home on my own while our kids stayed behind, enjoying the rest of their vacation with Jason and his amazing family.
I got back home to the empty house and well, I broke a little bit. All I had known day in and day out for the previous decade was the intricate details of my kids’ faces. The way they liked their meat cut up. How their elbows felt digging into my ribs when I held them as I read out the Skippyjon Jones books. Hearing Freddy’s voice telling me to make his macaroni extra cheesy. The way Katie’s white blanky smelled. Jake tugging on his shirt while he laughed uncle Jeremy’s laugh.
Most of those days without them were spent running. And running. And running more. And when I wasn’t running, I drank and I smoked cigarettes and weed and cried. I went to Wreck beach with my closest friends and walked out to the edge of the water with a hardened heart, crumpled into the power of the water and rose up to walk back to my towel with grace.
Some people say that when women become mothers, we lose our identity. But we don’t! We add to it. Divorce can take a chomp out of our (squishier) asses but nothing can separate us from love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of the worst possible thing you can imagine can separate us from love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from love. *
Not a roof, not drugs, not divorce, not twelve days.
*I kinda paraphrased a Bible verse. If you recognize it, then you probably also enjoy a good farmer sausage and the ability to convert casserole recipes from servings of 4 to 400. If you don’t recognize it and you feel annoyed that I’m inserting Bible verses in my post, well then take comfort in the fact that I eat bacon, I’ve masturbated and Andrew and I made a baby while he was still married to his ex wife. All good? Sweet.
Do you eat bacon?
Do you masturbate? Ha ha ha ha! I am so awesome.
Did you recognize the Bible verse? If so, do you like farmer sausage and can you easily convert a casserole for 4 into 400?
If you have kids, then go read them a Skippyjon Jones book!!!